guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
