Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
