Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
