The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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