She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
