so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
