"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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