some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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