I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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