Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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