There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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