I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize