Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
