shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
