White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
ok first of all what the fuck
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
