just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
