No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
