So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
