and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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