Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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