3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
