I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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