so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
