I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
