nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
