my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
