I never want to see another naked old woman again.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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