I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
