just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
