You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
