so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize