i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You can't just leave with hair like that
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
