I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
