you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
