Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
