Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
