Only a mothe r could love this liver
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
