gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
