The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
