this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
