i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's like iHOP with fire
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
