My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
