....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
