Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
