Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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