We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
