im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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