Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
