sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
