I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
