When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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