This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
