bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
