yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
