I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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