What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
